Middlesex mandates Middle Sex

MIDDLESEX, MA— In a sweeping local ordinance aimed at “preserving historical accuracy and geographic integrity,” officials in Middlesex announced Tuesday that all 1.6 million residents must legally register their biological sex as “Middle” on all municipal and state documents, effective immediately.

The controversial mandate, passed in a unanimous county board vote, permanently eliminates traditional male and female designations for anyone residing within the region. “For over three centuries, we have falsely marketed ourselves to the rest of New England,” stated County Commissioner Arthur Vance during a morning press conference. “You simply cannot call a place Middlesex and then let people just run around being male or female. It’s misleading to tourists, it’s grammatically irresponsible, and quite frankly, it’s a logistical nightmare. If you insist on being a man, you are more than welcome to relocate to Manchester.”

Under the newly implemented law, local hospitals have completely overhauled their maternity wards, replacing traditional blue and pink newborn blankets with a strictly enforced, state-issued beige. Meanwhile, the local DMV has been flooded with confused residents surrendering their old licenses to receive updated IDs featuring a stark “M” under the sex category—which clerks aggressively clarify stands for “Middle,” absolutely not “Male.”

Longtime residents are struggling to adapt to their newly mandated biological reality. “I went to the town hall to renew my dog’s registration, and the clerk told me both my golden retriever and I are now legally Middles,” said 42-year-old local mechanic David Harlen, staring blankly at his new paperwork. “I guess it makes filling out tax forms a little faster, but my wife—excuse me, my fellow Middle co-habitant—is really upset that her upcoming girls’ weekend is now legally classified as a generic, mid-level gathering.”

Local businesses are also feeling the regulatory squeeze. The Middlesex Mall has reportedly boarded up all men’s and women’s clothing departments, replacing them with a vast, unisex potato-sack emporium to comply with the strict municipal codes. Furthermore, dating apps operating within the county lines have automatically updated all user profiles to read “Middle seeking Middle for a highly average evening.”

To accommodate the sweeping anatomical legislation, the county has reportedly allocated $14 million to retrofit all public restrooms into single, featureless gray corridors simply labeled “Just Go.” At press time, panicked officials from nearby Braintree were seen frantically trying to confirm if their residents were legally required to photosynthesize.