A Retail Investor’s Spell book

0-Level: Cantrips (The Daily Grinds)

No capital required, just time and dignity.

Message (Echo Chamber): You whisper into a subreddit or Discord. A fellow peasant hears you and whispers back, “To the moon!” or “HODL.”
Friends (The Referral Link): You grant yourself advantage on Charisma checks to convince a friend to sign up for a trading app so you both get a free $3 stock. The effect ends after a minute, and the friend becomes hostile.
Minor Illusion (The Screenshot): You create an image of a green “Profit” chart to show your family. It has no physical substance and disappears if someone inspects it closely.

1st - 3rd Level: Low-Tier Folly (The Hook)

The first few paychecks.

Expeditious Retreat (Paper Hands): You panic-sell at the first sight of a red candle. You move quickly, but you leave your potential gains behind.
False Life (Margin Trading): You gain “temporary” capital that isn’t yours. When the spell ends or you take damage (a Margin Call), these hit points vanish instantly, often taking your actual HP with them.
Charm Person (The Finfluencer): You watch a 10-minute video with a thumbnail of a man screaming. You must make a Wisdom save or believe every word he says about a “hidden gem” stock.

4th - 6th Level: Mid-Tier Delusion (The Sunk Cost)

Significant portions of the monthly salary.

Banishment (The Delisting): You cast this on your favorite stock. It is sent to a harmless demiplane (the OTC markets/Pink Sheets) where it can no longer be traded on your app.
Confusion (Reading the Chart): You stare at RSI, MACD, and Bollinger Bands. You must roll a $d10$ each turn to see if you actually know what you’re doing. (Hint: You don’t).
Programmed Illusion (The “Safe” Bet): You set an automated buy order for an “index fund” that turns out to be a triple-leveraged inverse volatility ETN. It looks like a safe investment until you look away.

7th - 8th Level: High-Tier Ruin (The Desperation)

Taking out a second mortgage.

Reverse Gravity (The Short Squeeze): For a brief moment, the laws of physics break and the price goes up. However, you are at the center of the zone, and when the spell ends, the fall damage is lethal.
Feeblemind (The “Diamond Hands” Oath): Your Intelligence and Charisma scores become 1. You are unable to process the fact that the company has declared bankruptcy. You simply sit and stare at the screen.

9th Level: The Ultimate “Peasant” Spell

The entire life savings, drained in one initiative count.

Power Word: REKT

9th-level Transmutation

Casting Time: 1 bonus action (a “Fat Finger” trade)
Range: Your smartphone
Components: V, S, M (A maxed-out credit card and a teardrop)
Duration: Instantaneous

You utter a word of absolute financial finality—usually “All-in” or “YOLO.” If the target (your bank account) has 100,000 Gold Pieces or less, it is instantly reduced to 0. This spell ignores all resistances, wards, and “Shield” spells.

The caster is immediately inflicted with the Permanent Poverty condition. There is no saving throw. The spell does not affect the market; the “Whales” (Level 20 Wizards) simply gain a few copper pieces of “Liquidity” from your remains.

A Crypto Bro’s Spellbook

A leather-bound cold wallet case. Smells like energy drink and misplaced confidence.

0-Level: Cantrips (The Daily Shills)

No capital required, just Wi-Fi and audacity.

Prestidigitation (Portfolio Refresh): You conjure the illusion of productivity by refreshing your app every 12 seconds. You may clean, warm, or flavor a beverage, but you only use it to make instant ramen feel like a “bull market meal.”
Thaumaturgy (Caps Lock Conviction): Your voice booms across X/Discord/Telegram. Doors slam. Candles turn green for one (1) minute in your imagination. Everyone nearby becomes slightly more annoyed.
Minor Illusion (Lambo Screenshot): You create an image of a matte-black supercar “ordered” with your future gains. It vanishes if anyone asks, “So… what do you do for work?”
Message (The Group Chat): You whisper “buy the dip” into the void. A stranger whispers back “this is the dip before the dip.”

1st–3rd Level: Low-Tier Mania (The On-Ramp)

The first fiat sacrifice.

Mage Armor (“It’s a Stablecoin”): You wrap yourself in a shimmering ward of reassurance. While active, you cannot feel fear when the peg wobbles. When it breaks, the ward counts as emotional damage.
Charm Person (Discord Mod): You offer praise to a mod with a neon role name. On a failed Wisdom save, they grant you access to the “alpha” channel where the alpha is mostly cope.
Detect Magic (Whitepaper Skimming): You sense an aura of “utility” around a token. The aura is strongest near the roadmap, and weakest near the part that says “team is anonymous.”
Feather Fall (Stop-Loss Aversion): You refuse to sell as the price drops, converting fall damage into “long-term conviction.” You still hit the ground, just slower.

4th–6th Level: Mid-Tier Delusion (The Narrative Arc)

Staking your rent on “community.”

Summon Lesser Demons (Meme Coin Launch): You open a portal to a fresh token with a dog/ape/vegetable mascot. 1d6 demons appear (bots). They immediately begin chanting “WEN CEX?” and biting your liquidity.
Counterspell (“FUD!”): When someone mentions “token unlocks,” “insider wallets,” or “no revenue,” you may interrupt with a reaction. The criticism is negated for 10 minutes or until anyone posts a blockchain explorer link.
Divination (Technical Analysis): You consult the sacred indicators: RSI, MACD, Fibonacci, and a YouTuber’s eyebrows. The cosmos answers in riddles such as “support at 0.0000042.”
Glyph of Warding (Locked Liquidity): You inscribe “LP locked” upon the project. If anyone reads the fine print, the glyph triggers Reassurance, and they stop reading.
Polymorph (Rebrand): You transform “ponzi” into “DeFi yield protocol,” “gambling” into “GameFi,” and “dump” into “healthy retrace.”

7th–8th Level: High-Tier Ruin (The Liquidity War)

Leverage, desperation, and unexplained confidence.

Plane Shift (Bridge Transaction): You attempt to travel from Chain A to Chain B. On a failed Arcana check, you arrive in the Shadow Realm of “Wrong Network,” where funds are seen but never touched.
Forcecage (Funds Frozen): A centralized exchange places your assets in an invisible cage “for your protection.” You can see them. They can’t see you. Support responds in 3–5 business eternities.
Reverse Gravity (Perpetuals): The chart inverts. Price goes up while logic goes down. When gravity returns, your position evaporates and your soul is liquidated at market.
Mind Blank (Diamond Hands Vow): You become immune to rational thought, warnings, and bankruptcy announcements. You cannot be persuaded by “fundamentals” because you no longer believe in them.

9th Level: The Ultimate Spell

The final form of “I’m early.”

Power Word: LIQUIDATED

9th-level Evocation

Casting Time: 1 bonus action (“just 50x, quick in and out”)
Range: Your phone, in bed, at 2:47 AM
Components: V, S, M (a leveraged position, cold sweat, and one last cope)
Duration: Instantaneous

You speak the forbidden phrase: “It can’t go lower.”

A candle moves 0.8% against you—an amount so small it’s legally considered a rounding error—yet your entire position is annihilated.

If the target (your account) has 100,000 Gold or less, it becomes 0. This spell ignores resistances, “risk management,” and all protective wards except Log Out (which you never prepared).

Immediately after, you gain the condition Permanent Main Character Syndrome:

You must post “market manipulation” within 1 round.
You cannot say “I was wrong” for 1d100 days.
You begin a new quest called “Rebuild” that mysteriously starts with “deposit more fiat.”

The whales (Level 20 Sorcerers) do not notice. They simply gain +1 to Liquidity Harvesting from your remains.

Financial Spellbook

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