Five Gays and Five Straights

Five Guys Announces Split Into Two Chains: Five Gays and Five Straights

ARLINGTON, VA — In what industry analysts are calling “the most unnecessary corporate restructuring in fast food history,” Five Guys Burgers and Fries announced Tuesday it will split into two separate chains, Five Gays and Five Straights, in order to “better serve an increasingly polarized burger market.”

“For too long, our customers have been forced to eat cheeseburgers in a sexually ambiguous environment,” said CEO spokesperson Doug Hemley, standing before a mountain of complimentary peanuts. “Starting this fall, Americans will finally be able to consume 2,000 calories of beef and peanut oil with total demographic clarity.”

Five Gays locations will reportedly feature the exact same menu, but with better lighting, an actual interior design budget, and fries served in a container that isn’t just a paper bag “sweating like it’s being interrogated.” Five Straights will keep the original format but add 40 televisions all playing different games, and cashiers legally required to say “there he is” when regulars walk in.

Company officials stressed that both chains will maintain the brand’s core values: refusing to have a drive-thru, charging $19 for a burger and shrug, and giving you enough extra fries to feed a family you don’t have.

Confusion arose within hours when a bisexual customer in Tampa asked which location he should patronize. Corporate responded by announcing a third chain, Five Bis, which will be located exactly halfway between the other two and constantly accused by both of not really existing.

At press time, Chick-fil-A had reportedly declined to comment, then closed for Sunday.