Story about Roman heir trash TV show

SHOW TITLE: HEIR APPARENT

HOST: Janus (The two-faced Roman god, wearing a sharp suit but with a prosthetic face on the back of his head that occasionally whispers insults).

SETTING: A chaotic, high-budget daytime talk show set. There are plastic columns, a red carpet that looks cheap, and a rowdy audience of Legionnaires, Janissaries, and confused tourists.

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AUDIENCE CHANTS: ROMA! ROMA! ROMA!

JANUS: (Speaking into a golden microphone) Welcome back to Heir Apparent! The only show where we dig up the dead to settle the beefs of the living. Today, we have a very special episode. We’re asking the big question: Who is the REAL Rome?

(Audience boos and cheers wildly)

JANUS: Everyone thinks they’re the heir. We’ve got the OGs, the remixes, the cover bands, and the guys who just stole the instruments. Please welcome our first guest… he literally killed his brother to be here. The Founder! ROMULUS!

(Romulus walks out wearing a wolf-pelt hoodie and muddy boots. He looks exhausted. He sits in the main chair.)

ROMULUS: (Grabs mic) Let me just say, I built a wall. A small wall. And Remus jumped over it. He had to go. That’s the Roman spirit.

JANUS: beautiful. Simple. But Romulus, you’ve got some people backstage who say your Rome is dead and they are the new landlords.

ROMULUS: (Scoffs) Unless they drank wolf milk, I don’t want to hear it.

JANUS: Bring out CONSTANTINE THE GREAT!

(Constantine struts out in blindingly gold robes, holding a blueprint.)

CONSTANTINE: (To the audience) What’s up, Constantinople!—I mean, New Rome!

ROMULUS: Who is this glitter bomb?

CONSTANTINE: I’m the upgrade, baby. Rome 2.0. The Old Rome was a fixer-upper. I moved the capital East. Better view, better trade, fewer Goths. I am Rome.

JANUS: Okay, valid point. You moved the furniture. But we have a caller from… Germany? Please welcome CHARLEMAGNE!

(Charlemagne bursts through the curtain. He is huge, bearded, and holding a sword that is clearly too big for the studio.)

CHARLEMAGNE: (Yelling) IMPERATOR ROMANORUM!

CONSTANTINE: (Standing up) Excuse me? Excuse me?! You are a Frank. You are literally a Barbarian. I have shoes older than your lineage.

CHARLEMAGNE: The Pope crowned me! Christmas Day, 800 AD! If the Pope says I’m Caesar, I’m Caesar, bro!

CONSTANTINE: The Pope was lonely! That doesn’t count! You’re the “Holy Roman Empire”? Please. You’re neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire. You’re a German confused by pasta!

JANUS: Gentlemen, settle down! We have to make room for the next claimant. He says he won the title by “Right of Conquest.” Which is legal talk for “I have bigger cannons.” Welcome, MEHMED THE CONQUEROR!

(Mehmed II walks out coolly, wearing a massive onion turban and sunglasses. He sits, manspreading comfortably.)

MEHMED: (Smoothly) Why are you arguing? I took the city. I sat on the throne. I am Kayser-i Rum. Caesar of Rome.

CHARLEMAGNE: You’re not even Christian!

MEHMED: Details. I have the Hagia Sophia. I have the map. Possession is nine-tenths of the law, habibi. Also, Constantine? Your descendants left the gate unlocked. Just saying.

CONSTANTINE: (Screaming) IT WAS ONE GATE!

JANUS: Okay, this is getting spicy. But we have a dark horse. Coming to us from the chilly North, representing the “Third Rome”… IVAN THE TERRIBLE!

(The lights flicker. Ivan walks out dressed entirely in black fur, looking paranoid. He refuses to sit; he just stares at the camera.)

IVAN: Rome fell. Constantinople fell. Moscow stands. There will be no fourth.

MEHMED: (Laughs) “Third Rome”? You are a log cabin with delusions of grandeur. You married a niece of a Byzantine emperor and think that gives you the deed to the house?

IVAN: (Eyes widening) We are the spiritual successor! We kept the faith! We have the double-headed eagle!

CHARLEMAGNE: I have a double-headed eagle!

CONSTANTINE: I invented the double-headed eagle!

ROMULUS: (To Janus) What is an eagle? We used a wolf. Why is everyone obsessed with birds?

JANUS: Folks, we’re not done. We have… sigh… we have one more guest. He insists he’s here to “Restore the Glory.” Please welcome… BENITO MUSSOLINI.

(Mussolini marches out. He is wearing a toga over a fascist military uniform. He strikes a dramatic pose, chin jutting out. The audience is dead silent.)

MUSSOLINI: Mare Nostrum! It is our sea! I am the new Augustus! I built train stations!

AUGUSTUS: (Standing up from the audience, shouting) I found Rome a city of brick and left it a city of marble! You found a city of marble and left it hanging upside down! Sit down, you bald fraud!

MUSSOLINI: (Sweating) But… the aesthetic! The fasces!

MEHMED: (To Mussolini) Your empire lasted like, what? Twenty years? I have yogurt in my fridge older than your empire.

JANUS: Alright, alright! It’s time for the moment of truth. We did a DNA test. We looked at the laws, the treaties, and the vibes.

IVAN: (Whispering) It is Moscow. It must be.

CHARLEMAGNE: It’s Aachen!

CONSTANTINE: It is clearly the Byzantine line!

JANUS: The results are in. In the case of “Who is the True Heir of Rome”…

(Janus opens the envelope. He looks confused. He flips the card over. He taps his earpiece.)

JANUS: Uh… security? Can we get the guy from the green room?

(A bewildered man in a parka walks out holding a Nokia phone and a bottle of vodka. A chyron appears on screen: PEKKA FROM FINLAND.)

PEKKA: …Hello? Is this the sauna contest?

JANUS: According to this extremely specific Reddit thread we found… because Russia conquered Finland, and Russia claimed to be Rome, but then the Russian Empire fell, and Finland gained independence as the only surviving piece of that legal entity… Finland is the true heir of Rome.

(Silence on stage.)

ROMULUS: …Finland?

PEKKA: (Shrugs) Perkele.

CHARLEMAGNE: (Throws a chair) THIS IS RIGGED!

MEHMED: (Standing up) I’m sieging Helsinki. Right now. Who is coming?

CONSTANTINE: I’ll bring the Greek Fire!

IVAN: I will bring the winter!

MUSSOLINI: I will bring the pasta!

EVERYONE: SHUT UP BENITO!

JANUS: That’s all the time we have for Heir Apparent! Join us next week when we find out which modern country is the real Ancient Egypt—is it Egypt? Or is it that Bass Pro Shop inside the pyramid in Memphis, Tennessee? Goodnight!

(Theme music plays as a brawl breaks out. Pekka quietly steals Romulus’s wolf pelt and walks off stage.)

FADE TO BLACK